No matter how much I tell myself
“I was better off without him,”
A part of me hopes that isn’t true,
That if he stayed I’d have him and
No one else would.
If he stayed,
My sweet crazy mother would not have to
Sacrifice and endure so much
If he stayed,
My brother would’ve had a better example
Of the man he should become
That if he stayed,
I would have had someone capable of protecting me,
Someone to teach me my worth,
To help me through all of my insecurities
And shield me from this
Dangerous yet beautiful world.
I’d have a warm hand, larger than my own,
To guide me.
I had a father who was
Locked in a prison cell.
Dressed in a blue jumpsuit,
Covered in tattoos,
Who was part of many dangerous
And an illegal immigrant from
It wasn’t till my mother told me
He was being deported
That I grasped the full situation.
As I leaned over the back of our couch
Listening to my mom talking as she stood with her phone
In her right hand,
I realized at 8 years old, as a small petite child, I had
Lost my father.
I would never see him again,
I’d never share snacks with him from the vending machine,
I’d never sit on his lap again,
He’d never listen to us ramble on for hours,
But the hardest thing I realized was,
He would live his life without us.
We would live our lives without him.
The last thing he told me was that he was proud of
My brother and I,
He wished my brother congratulations on graduating from high school,
And we haven’t texted or spoken since.
The thing is, If he’d stayed,
My mother would have had to endure much more,
would have had a terrible example of a man,
Well, I hope he’s holding my new little sister the way
I wished he held me,
Because I’m no longer his baby.
26 September 2019